June 27, 2010

im struggling with rebellion in my heart right now. im considering why it is that i have an urge to do things i shouldnt do. we all face this struggle, and i hate that many christians would be appalled by me saying im struggling with it. we always feel the need to defend ourselves, and im fighting the urge to argue that i havent actually acted on it. but that’s not true because sometimes me watching a movie is rebellion. it doesn’t always have to be a major thing.

but regardless, im just feeling very disappointed in the lack of love and forgiveness we show one another. im not even speaking of non believers. i feel like the hot topic of conversation has been what this person has done, or what that guy said, or what that girl did. and im so ashamed that i play a major part in it. there are a lot of things that can be claimed as result of the fall. and be that as it may, we are commanded to not live as a part of this world, but as a stranger on this earth looking forward to the day of judgement to come.

im not ranting at anyone specific. i guess just myself. i can feel the very pain of wanting to be righteous and not even noticing i have defiled myself with speech, media, food, material things, unforgiveness,  thoughts, drink. it doesn’t matter. it’s a plague. human nature is a plague. i cant wait for JESUS TO COME BACK! I CANT WAIT FOR TRUE JUSTICE, I CANT WAIT TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE FOR REAL.



1 Samuel 2:25

June 25, 2010

“25 If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?” His sons, however, did not listen to their father’s rebuke, for it was the LORD’s will to put them to death.”

So, I am sitting in the prayer room right now and ive come across this passage and its throwing me for a loop. i think that this scripture alone has just won its place in dominating my thoughts for the next week. it implies so much. it is giving me a headache just to consider the possibilities.

Let me give some context. I only through the first chapter of 1 Samuel. We have just been introduced to a mother whose intercession won her a son. and already I am captivated by the thought that a mother, who’s only desire was to receive a son, was not only persistent in believing but walked in obedience in the giving up of her son. In her mind Samuel was rightfully the LORD’s. I just loved reading through the first chapter because I don’t think it ever hit me so hard that a women could want a child so bad yet be able to consecrate him to the LORD, which meant letting him live a good distance away from him, not being able to speak to him, to watch him grow up, to hug him when he scrapes his knee. to not enjoy the little jokes that a 3-year-old makes. and the wrong sentences an 8-year-old constructs. its CRAZY… then again, I am in a baby craze, which is obviously the result of holding a the cutest fricking baby ever for like an hour while he slept. it’s messed me up. ha.

anyways, it reminds me of the insanity of abraham and the love that ran so deep for G-d that he would be willing to slay his own son to be in obedience.

but this is neither here nor there. if you know me, you know that I go on tangents. if you know me, then you can appreciate that these thoughts probably don’t make and coherent sense, but just try to follow me.

THIS IS THE THING…Samuel is found righteous. but he has been adopted in to the priestly family. meanwhile Eli’s sons are idiots and are sleeping around with the girls who are servants in the house of the LORD. the sons are terrible men, they cheat G-d’s people, and more importantly they disrespect G-d himself. Eli merely has a stern talking to with them. but this is the house of the LORD we are talking about! you cant just talk to them, there needed to be some sort of action taken. G-d always desires mercy over judgement, and i think Eli blew it as a father to discipline his sons. just one more example of fatherlessness. maybe im wrong, but it just seems like Eli totally copped out.

So, G-d has to take action…this is where it gets crazy for me. typically I would just read through it and accept it as monotone. but not tonight. for some reason I really felt the pain that G-d must have felt. here HE is. creator of the world. willing to share the priestly command with mere men. that was what He wanted. He enjoys letting us work with Him. He loves relationship. (we see it clearly in the garden) it just broke my heart when I read how badly He desired to partner with Eli’s family line. but they wouldn’t accept the responsibility with pure hearts. they were greedy and selfish. and all of the sudden His anger must be satisfied.

this is where it makes me get all confused… “for it was the LORD’s will to put them to death.” that means sometimes, G-d WILLS for things like death to occur. we have a GOD WHO HAS EMOTIONS, HE FEELS PAIN, HE FEELS SORROW, HE HAS ANGER AND WRATH THAT IS REAL, HES NOT A HIPPIE GOD, HES NOT THE DAD WHO WILL NEVER SPANK US.


In this instance I think that Eli as a father really let his sons down. that was his right as a father to discipline. the scriptures kind of imply that he enjoyed the spoils as well. granted he may have not been the one who stole directly, but he still had an agreement with this sin. the sons are guilty. but so is Eli to some degree.

I know that im not a theologian. and i may have read this wrong, but this is what im feeling…PAIN FOR THE FATHERLESS, PAIN FOR WHAT WE AS CHILDREN COULD HAVE IN CHRIST IF WE ABIDE IN HIM, IF WE OBEY HIM, IF WE DELIGHT IN HIM!